fitforafemme.com

Good evening to all. I’ve been a bit MIA due to time constraints, exhaustion and a jam-packed social calendar. Since I last posted, I’ve partied at Lush and a luxe lesbian party with dear friends, cried my face off at the Stars show, done quite a fair amount of shopping and fetched the dry cleaning, welcomed a Canadian tomboy to the San Francisco Bay Area, started a new job, celebrated Father’s Day with M and the family out of town, finished reading one book and started another.

Additionally, my new schedule is thoroughly kicking my ass, despite being tremendously worth it in absolutely every possible way. My nightly sleep has been reduced by at least one-fourth and no amount of caffeine seems to do the trick. (Plus, if anyone knows of a reputable threader in the Embarcadero or Financial districts of San Francisco, for the love of God share her with me. I scarcely have time to pick up my new order of contact lenses and new checks from the bank, let alone tend to my poor, poor eyebrows.)

Finally, M’s birthday is this Friday, so we’ve got some serious celebrating to do. Starting tomorrow night. Without our pants on, of course.

2010: NO PANTS!

Blouse: Calvin Klein
Slacks: Express Design Studio
Wingtip Pumps: Franco Sarto
Oversized Lace + Pearl Necklace: Spoiled! Boutique (Oakland)

This outfit is a stark departure from last Friday night’s black and tan (like the milkshake!) bandage dress by Bebe, but more on that later.

Dear readers, you’re in for a treat. I’m handing the blog-mic over to my dashing M, who will surely amuse you as much as, if not better than, I do. Enjoy!

Don’t let my awesome cowboy-ish outfit trick you into thinking it’s hot out here. IT IS NOT HOT. Every day for the past week, the cocktease sun will come in through our tiny tiny bedroom window and blind us while we’re trying to sleep, and all the heavy sunlight tricks us into putting on shorts or flip flops or cowboy shirts and lures us outside into the PHONY PHONY spring day. Bah! By then it’s too late to go back in and change, so here I am, acting like it’s all warm, but in reality, only 1/10 of my face was warm enough to justify this outfit.

We went on a mad shopping spree this weekend! Sometimes you wake up, not sure if you’re still drunk or not and you decide you really, really need new white underwear. Not a fleeting desire or idea, a NEED. I decided I was going to buy some white underwear. ‘Cept I’m not really known for buying a reasonable amount of anything. Not clothes, not booze, certainly not lemons! I need a whole truckload of a thing. I shit you not, I think I got about 30 new pairs of white underwear. You can’t see them in these pics, but I am wearing them! Of course, once we were in the store, the femme decided I absolutely needed this shirt — she’s already threatened sexual assault — and as you can see, the sunglasses also go quite nicely. After this photo shoot, I put on a giant christmas sweater.

Fuck you, SF sun!

I love my wife, guys. She makes me laugh. Wanna know something else? We totally sex-broke our – well, her – bespoke harness not last weekend, but the weekend before. It’s only been a year or so! Anyway, off we went first thing Saturday morning afternoon, in a homo ass panic to Mr. S (super NSFW) to see if there was anything they could do at the Sex Toy Hospital for M’s most beloved leather piece and lo! “This will just take us 15 minutes. We’ll be right back.” OMFG, I love them so, so much. Thanks to them, we only had to resort to the lowly commoner harness once. Well, a few times. But still. IT WAS REALLY A SCARY TIME FOR US, OKAY!?!

She also left out this very crucial part of our retail therapy binge on unmentionables:

CONFESSION: Check-out at Hotel Vertigo. Super dreamy lobby. You can read more about it here, if you’d like. We are up and at ‘em on approximately 4-5 hrs. of sleep and absolutely pining for donuts and coffee. We weren’t sure how nightmarish the Love Parade malarkey would be, so we just dashed out of there right before noon and headed to our favorite Noe Valley donut shop. They have Peerless coffee there! A plus. Let’s see if you can guess what I’m thinking as I gaze fondly down upon that polished, gorgeous hunk of wood.

CONFESSION: It was so Fall on this day! Monday, to be exact. I used to loathe the grey + ivory combination, but I am for it this season, especially if you swap the predictable dash of mustard with a nice, predictable and lush rose instead. Ideally, in some sort of ridiculously lavish, ruffled suede. Mm. I guess I’m sort of a moron for not throwing on my pink posie Tulle coat on over this. Next time!

CONFESSION: We discovered that M hates shooting at night and Halloween today. I know, right? OK, so night shooting is HARD and a pain in the ass, but hating Halloween? I think I should remind her about candy corn and slutty costumes bonding with loved ones in a creepy way. In any case, I can’t let her hate Halloween until we’ve dressed up as Moroccan Tranny Patsy and Edina first. It’s our dream! I had fun on the night shoot; we explored the creepy alley across the street and I pretended to be scary and chased kittens around.

NOTE: I gave y’all a three-for-one because even though they were different pairs of jeans, they were still jeans. Never fear (esp. not you, H), I had heels on in both of the above and a brand spankin’ new pair of hella fierce Betsey Johnson tights that are dying to debut themselves.

QUERY: An extremely lovely and devoted reader recently wondered if I might do a Q & A here at FFAF, and you know what I thought? I thought I would, if you’d like. Feel free to send burning questions to fitforafemme@gmail.com and I’ll answer enthusiastically and in bulk to the best of my ability!

Femme Confession: I’m in love with lots of things this weekend. I’m in love with my “rich girl red” manicure and pedicure. I’m in love with all-girl roller derby. I’m in love with my now-dead birdie ring (it didn’t make it past the post-roller derby dancing at The Cat Club). I’m in love with my tomboy and the pretty loverbird pendant my petite made me for Mother’s Day and the fancy new tripod that M got for me. I’m in love with the fiery roses they gave me and with Selby and Sarah for being such fabulous friends. I’m in love with San Francisco, as ever. I’m in love with the fact that M & I got to sip champs at the roller derby, of all places! Bonus on an already spectacular weekend chockfull of awesome. Here’s the tomboy…

Tomboy Confession: Volcom pinstripe slacks, English Laundry shirt (thoroughly inspected by the fem for quality of stitches), Banana Republic jacket, cool captain hat bought from The Hat Guys after some drunken expedition, riding BART back home (she is referring to the time some hipster douche stole her awesome jacket with our keys in it from the Rickshaw in…2006? We rang up a friend of mine and crashed at her house, watched Pride & Prejudice (BBC, of course) half-naked with her roommates shushing us until nearly dawn. The next morning we did a joint walk of indignant shamelessness to BART to get back home to our spare keys. It was pretty awesome, considering the circumstances). Kenneth Cole boots. True story: the guy who works at the liquor store on Folsom street  has the same hat as me! We took a picture together! Hilarity. Roller Derby is fucking awesome! You want to go to there!

When: Wed., Dec. 10th, 2008.

What: Drk. brown wool trousers from Express Design Studio, plaid ruffled blouse from Gap. Vintage navy wool jacket with ruffled collar and black leather elbow length gloves. Navy patent pumps by Nine West.

Scent: Guerlain Derby. It is described as “a polished, sophisticated chypre with notes of artemisia, bergamot, lemon, peppermint, jasmine, mace, pepper, pimento, rose, leather, oakmoss, patchouli, sandalwood and vetiver.” It is difficult to obtain. It is perfect for crispy Fall and Winter days, or for wearing whenever you know you’ll be running into those assholes who instruct you to “Get off your high horse,” as they are wont to do. (God, I hate it when people say that to me.)

It smells like a very lovely woman accustomed to riding very pretty ponies and rebuking very silly boys (or girls), like this, in fact:

Confession: Forgive me, while my outfit is ever-so-slightly murderous, I am actually focused on healing my tomboy, who had a wisdom tooth out earlier today, after experiencing pretty severe pain on Monday and Tuesday. We have graduated from 800mg Ibuprofen to Vicodin + Vodka to Percocet, finally, and it seems her appetite is back at last, after a 36-48 hr. pain-induced, involuntary fast.

Ach so, I shall cut this short, and leave you to your own sweet Betty Draper dreams!

When: Tuesday, Sept. 30th, 2008.

Femme What: Leopard-print shirtdress by Express Design Studio. Vintage scarf & black suede pumps. Super skinny belt in cocoa by Elie Tahari. Cerulific purse from modcloth.com.

Confession: I wanted sundown light, but twilight on the train tracks worked out just as well. This one was really fun and sort of impromptu; after tidying up the loft and waiting for the juicy pork chops and au gratin to cool a bit before dinner, M & I slipped downstairs to find a good place to take some FFAF photos.

Tomboy What: Black shirt from Alfani, grey plaid slacks from BDG, Kenneth Cole boots, Ben Sherman belt buckle. God Save The Queen!

Tomboy Confession: The femme likes my junk in these pants! As soon as I got home she fussed and fawned, stared and grabbed at it and finally made me climb on top of her. I kid you not. It was most excellent! (ZOMG, I can’t believe she just said all that to y’all. Alas, it is true. A little vulgar, but true. You would grab, too, if it happened to you!)