fitforafemme.com

HELLO, KITTENS!

How the hell are you? It’s been a week! A whole week!

Before anything else: Thank you for voting for Fit For A Femme, even if we didn’t win a Lezzy Award this year, we stood up there with the big dogs and it was totally awesomesauce, and I lovelovelove y’all for voting day in and day out with all your might.

So, I got this mini whilst thrifting for, like, $2, NWT. It makes for a great casual, relaxed look, but where the hell does The Gap get off charging $50 for a tiny denim miniskirt? Not that it isn’t great. It is. It’s just that I wouldn’t dream of wearing this without leggings on underneath. It’s SCANDALOUSLY short. And tiny. And not worth that crazy sticker price, which makes finding it for next to nothing that much sweeter. I went BANANAS thrifting last week. It was a month-end clearance sale, and I got 15 super awesome pieces – from a beautiful azure blue sunhat with the most dramatic brim to an armful of calico sundresses for Spring to a soft chestnut brown shrunken velvet blazer (it screams equestrian) – for just under $35 and in less than 1.25 hours. SCORE. Shopping = femme sports.

What else? Oh, you know, not much. I completed my utterly life-changing self-defense training on Sunday, and new bruises are STILL popping up all over my body. Badges of honor, my instructor calls them. I had the privilege of fighting FIVE fights at my graduation ceremony (with M and the petite there to support and cheer me on), instead of the standard three. DO NOT MESS, Y’ALL.

I was just named a member of the Femme Collective, which is gearing up for Femme2010: No Restrictions this August. Femmes, mark your calendars (and reserve your spot on the infamous Skinny + M sofabed now if you’re an out-of-towner)! Speaking of M, she and I are headed across the Bay Bridge next week for a meeting with other legally wed California couples to discuss next steps as powerful advocates for marriage equality, which I’m really excited about. Writing checks and being visible and all that is well and good, but I never feel like I’m doing enough unless I’m doing.

I will be a busy girl. A busy, happy, girly girl!

Also, we just ordered her a pair of these dapper new shoes:

Scent: Santa Maria Novella’s Toscano was lovely at first, it really was. I didn’t know whether or not this was a feminine or masculine scent, because while it had aspects of the latter it was still quite sweet and alluring – it’s actually unisex! It began like a curious, unexpected filling in an otherwise predictable cookie, but unfortunately, after the dry down all that was left was a lingering sweet rice note that reminded me of my cunty Filipino grandmother, so that was that.

For everyone else, the fragrance, with notes of bergamot, jasmine, tobacco, birch leaf, vanilla, burnt malt and amber, is typically well-received and noted for being “easy to wear.” The official description reads “…inspired by the famous Toscano cigars of Lucca in Italy, Santa Maria Novella’s latest addition Tabacco Toscano opens with a sparkling fruity-floral note and quickly changes into a warm and leathery yet airy tobacco scent.”

Confession: So, I am pretty sure that I’m still high on adrenaline from my women’s self-defense class tonight. It was so fantastic. There were two instructors; one young woman who did most of the work and coaching, and a lanky guy with tattoos who was trained to be the assailant in the padded suit. In the group, reasons for taking the class ranged from recent muggings to rape to feeling unsafe in general or vague and frankly upsetting feelings of being unsafe in one’s own home. Oh, and a few women had recently moved to sketchier neighborhoods. In terms of age and ethnicity, we were equally diverse. My friend was taking it for the 5th time and had brought another friend of hers along, too.

I BEAT THE CRAP OUT OF THE PADDED DUDE, YO.

God, it was so fantastic. We did a lot of verbal and body language exercises, but we also learned a handful of strikes and did a few full-force fights with the padded guy. The first time I fought back he went down after just the second strike! (The highly trained faux-assailants are taught to “go down” when they feel a KO or knock-out strike. I didn’t realize that and returned to the line pouting and asking my friend why I only got to hit him twice when everyone else got at least THREE strikes! Ha.)

It wasn’t even wombmoon, and I was very thankful for that. The pacing was pretty good and everyone was really supportive. Any questions that were asked got satisfactory and educational answers or responses.  Sudden or unexpected emotional bouts were handled with respect and focus. (Warning: Being faux-attacked from behind is REALLY intense in a bad way, but that’s the point. I did not get upset, but my friend assures me that the longer course will require waterproof mascara.) I feel really good for doing it!

In conclusion, I am so so so sold on signing up for the 3-day (24 hrs. of training) course as soon as I can afford it, for it is NOT cheap. Alas, my safety is priceless. After that course, I probably want to sign up for their advanced weapons course, too. They have another advanced course for handling multiple assailants at once, but I don’t want to get ahead of myself!

Seriously, if I won the lottery one of the first things I’d do is fly all my friends and loved ones and yes, even you, FFAF readers, and the Impact trainers to a villa in Antigua for unlimited private training, and it would be amazing.

This is from a different academy, but you’ll get the gist:

I felt like this was a good next step in the self-defense arena, because it’s something we go through every single day of our lives and it can be an important first line of defense against assault:

Eye contact with men we don’t know, whether or not they appear to be aggressive, and how to deal with it.

From another Impact Bay Area tip sheet:

In the animal world, dominance is often decided by who holds eye contact the longest. Humans are not so different in this regard. Often women express the concern that if they are being stared at by a stranger, maintaining eye contact may be seen as an “invitation” to approach her.

There are different ways of looking which convey very different messages. Maintaining a calm, steady gaze in an interaction with someone else can send the message not only that you are paying attention, but also that you are not susceptible to to intimidation. You do NOT have to challenge someone to a staring match. You can look in such a way to show that you are aware – but do not want any kind of physical or verbal engagement.

You can look at someone with welcome in your eyes or you can give “a look guaranteed to freeze water.” If someone fails to respond to this clear signal by backing off, you have learned something important about his intentions – more than you would have by simply ignoring him.

The most common forms of self-sabotage in creating the assertive effect you desire is to avert your eyes and/or smile. You might actually want to practice NOT SMILING, since so many of us do it so automatically.

A hint for a big height difference: If someone is taller than you and is causing you to crane your neck backwards, take a step or two back to lessen the angle.

I don’t know about y’all, but I’m guilty of the eye aversion / smiling thing sometimes. Not always, but I’ve also experienced the death-don’t-fuck-with-me glare garner unwelcome feedback like, “Why are you so sad/mad? Cheer up!” “Bitch!” “Bitch, you have a bad attitude!” “Fuck you, then.” “What the fuck are you looking at me like that for?” etc. I usually end up smiling briefly at homeless men and women I don’t stop to give money to for whatever reason (read: guilt), men I’ve arbitrarily deemed harmless (stupid, stupid, stupid – MUST break that habit) and averting my eyes after I’ve given just enough stare of death, have begun to feel creepy myself and don’t want to (ding! ding! ding!) send the wrong message.

Jesus. I need practice!

I think the part that I bolded/underlined is really, really valuable, though. No matter what, if someone you don’t know doesn’t instantly just give up / back off / go away, they probably deserve to be kicked hard in the nuts and not just a glare of death, yo.

*Oops. Short-sleeved knit sweater  by Pop!

Confession: Instead of confessing whatever silly thing I was going to, I have decided (in belated honor of International Women’s Day) to post some information on defending ourselves. First, I’ll post “Every Woman’s BILL OF RIGHTS,” from The New Assertive Woman by Bloom, Coburn & Pearlman:

1. The right to be treated with respect.
   
2. The right to have and express your own feelings and opinions.
   
3. The right to be listened to and taken seriously.
   
4. The right to set your own priorities.
   
5. The right to say “no” without feeling guilty.
   
6. The right to ask for what you want.
7. The right to get what you pay for.
   
8. The right to ask for information from professionals.
9. The right to make mistakes.
   
10. The right to choose not to assert yourself.

The following section is from a handout on Boundary Setting: Assertive Verbal Response from a local self-defense organization, Impact Bay Area. I thought this was important because it’s the kind of thing that happens to lots of us on a frequent, consistent basis. If you take public transportation or just like being out and about on your own, these are situations I think we’re all very familiar with. The handout provides some tools for dealing with them effectively:

“When setting verbal boundaries, it is safest to be as direct and assertive as possible. While it is not important to worry about being polite, it is important to consider how someone might respond to a boundary we set. Of course, we can never control the way a person will respond or react, but the way in which we set our boundaries can influence the progression of a confrontation. Our response can de-escalate or escalate the situation. A passive response can escalate a situation as much as an aggressive one; in either case we have not stated our own feelings and have left the door open for our statements to be misinterpreted. An assertive response communicates that our feelings are not open for negotiation.

Below are possible responses to unwelcome behavior. Consider what the response might be in each situation.”

IMPORTANT REMINDERS:

• DON’T get caught in the other person’s agenda; if he has a problem it is NOT your job to fix it and it is NOT your responsibility to help him. Trust your instincts about people.
• DON’T get into answering questions you don’t want to answer or having a conversation you don’t want to have.
• REPEAT yourself if necessary. This is an easy way to reaffirm your boundary if someone pushes it.

PRACTICE SAYING THESE STATEMENTS ASSERTIVELY:

• Don’t do that.
• Go away.
  
• Leave me alone.
• I’m not friendly.
• I mean it.
• Stop.
• Back off.
  
• I have nothing more to say.
• Stop touching me NOW.

That’s all for now, but I do hope to continue the theme until y’all say when. I also want to note that these tools and methods apply to women as well; it’s far rarer than the reverse, but women commit acts of violence against women, too.

Be safe and informed, kittens, and make sure your daughters are, too.