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CONFESSION: Last night, I tried on two of those POS wanker Victoria’s Secret fragrances I got forever ago, with a pair of super soft, sexy pajamas (free slippers with purchase!). One was so gross and cloyingly sweet that M described it as “someone trying to layer on perfume over dirty ass” and I simply referred to it as a whore’s bath perfume. Seriously. I refuse to even bequeath it to anyone since it screams CRUSTY SLUT + EXCESS BRONZER. It’s called Ooh La La, but is more like Oh, Hell Nah. I really hope none of you like it, because I’m not going to feel bad and I’m not going to take it back, either! (Damn it, I just realized that I reviewed OLL in late December of last year, in Shovels & Lye. At least I’m consistent!?)

The Fragrance was No. 2, boasts top notes of crushed leaves, freesia, mandarin (What the fuck kind of leaves? Isn’t that sort of key?) and does begin rather citrus-y and benign. I had to give it another go-round today because Ooh La La sent my senses into a diabetic coma, but it doesn’t seem to change my opinion of it as a rather boring and one-hit wonder scent. Not even a good hit, either. Something Milli Vanilli-ish. (If I spelled that wrong, it’s b/c I refuse to google it for the proper spelling. Fakers don’t get my hits! I have standards.) It’s not offensive, just boring. Very un-sexy. For instance, Laura Bush should totally check this out. It’s perfect for her.

From the Dream Angels collection comes Wish, which is TOTALLY FUCKING AWESOME if you want to smell like orange sherbet ice cream and baby powder, and reminds me of back in the day when my folks would take us to Baskin Robbins on special occasions, and someone would be like, “Oh, you should have some water,” and I’d be all, “The fuck for? I drink my water in Kool-Aid, man. Step off, my peanut-butter-and-chocolate ice cream cone is melting.” Or, you know, changing diapers. Also, it irks me that something so vile has to share the same word with a stellar The Cure album, but what are you gonna do?

Someone at the VS fragrance think tank needs to ground themselves from citrus for, like, a year, and then get back to me.

PS. Ain’t much to say about this outfit ‘cept there’s a mean cold snap this week and mama needs to go SHOPPING. I do, however, have a new brown sheath dress that is super Joan Holloway and was recently procured at the thrift store for FIDDY MOFO CENTS, YO. Holla / Coming Soon.

PPS. What the hell is up with the Christian Siriano for VS make-up collection? When the cover model on the website looks kind of rough in all your war paint, dude, you need to step up your game. Do any of y’all have it? Is it good? Not that I’m in the market…my quick beauty fix lately has been a dusting of Cargo bronzer as a wash over the entire lid, with heavy-handed mascara at the lash base instead of eyeliner. Fresno and Coral Beach are my favorites right now, but it seems the former is discontinued. SOB.

PPSS. Lips? Besame’s Red Velvet. Creamy and subtle red for when MAC’s Russian Red is too much damn work.

BECAUSE AYL SAID SO, PLS. TO PLAY THIS:

Confession: I wasn’t quite sure which pair of pink shoes I wanted to wear with this little outfit and decided to make a theme of it. Can we discuss how much I love this Theory denim jacket? I got it in pristine secondhand condition years ago. It’s as thin and light as a nice jersey cotton, perfectly fitted and something in between a crop and normal length. I think the wash is just right, too.

And MAC Rougette! I remembered that AYL wanted make-up details, and I’m no make-up artist or over-the-top fancy pants, but it can’t hurt to share my favorites with y’all, can it? Nah. While I’m no MAC whore, I do have a few picks that I like – staples like Russian Red, Viva Glam V for a nude with a kick and I used to swear by Studio Fix. Rougette is a gorgeous raspberry shade from the Limited Edition Mattene line that exists no more, but I’d bet the Cargo Plant Love line of lipsticks has a similar shade that wears just as creamily and prettily, albeit less long-wearing, like Gamba or Majella!

Scent: The origins and history of aoud are fascinating to me. Large evergreens native to southeast Asia contain agar, which is found in the heartwood of the trees. They occasionally become infected with mold and aoud is one of many names for the resin produced in the heartwood, in response to this attack or in order to prevent them. Go read more if you’re bored, it’s quite interesting.

Montale Steam Aoud, upon first impression, smells like something crudely swabbed onto your skin in cold, alarming amounts just before they stick you with a giant needle and draw so much blood out of you that you practically faint on the spot. NOT THAT I KNOW WHAT THAT’S LIKE OR ANYTHING. I’m just saying. Then it settles very, very slowly, becoming less severe and more mired in smoke and rose as big and dark and heavily suggestive as a fistful of damp, dark satin on a dirty stairwell. And arrogance, my god. Not at all suited for day, but pretty damn sensational overall. Notes: roses, oud, amber, agar motta, caraway.