fitforafemme.com

Hello!

Happy Oscars!

Happy Spring Forward! (Almost forgot, didn’t you?)

How handsome does the tomboy look in her vintage bowtie and sweater vest?! GAH!

It’s been an exciting weekend. I had a fantastic dinner with my BFF on Friday night,  traipsed 3.2 miles with the tomboy through the Castro and Mission in yesterday’s gorgeous sunshine, went dancing to the ladies of the 80s at New Wave City and brunched at noon today with a dear friend in the lovely Noe Valley. And if you want to hear a dirty little secret, I’ll tell you one (well, two):

1. I let the tomboy pick out my dress. I can’t believe it’s supposed to be worn this way!
2. M & I redressed in last night’s outfits for a FFAF shoot because we didn’t have time to last night!
3. I was forced to wear tights because my bruises from self-defense fights last weekend are still quite prominent and nasty looking. In fact, just yesterday I dubbed the one just above my left knee “the eye of Sauron.” It’s very serious!

I had a lily in my hair last night, but the rest is basically the same. Anyway, we were hoping that you could help us. The tomboy needs a new pair of glasses, and she tried some on yesterday but just isn’t sure. She is also convinced that Tom Ford frames are going to be the answer to all her prayers (not that she prays). Take a look at the three different frames below and let us know which ones you like the best in the comments section!

I felt like this was a good next step in the self-defense arena, because it’s something we go through every single day of our lives and it can be an important first line of defense against assault:

Eye contact with men we don’t know, whether or not they appear to be aggressive, and how to deal with it.

From another Impact Bay Area tip sheet:

In the animal world, dominance is often decided by who holds eye contact the longest. Humans are not so different in this regard. Often women express the concern that if they are being stared at by a stranger, maintaining eye contact may be seen as an “invitation” to approach her.

There are different ways of looking which convey very different messages. Maintaining a calm, steady gaze in an interaction with someone else can send the message not only that you are paying attention, but also that you are not susceptible to to intimidation. You do NOT have to challenge someone to a staring match. You can look in such a way to show that you are aware – but do not want any kind of physical or verbal engagement.

You can look at someone with welcome in your eyes or you can give “a look guaranteed to freeze water.” If someone fails to respond to this clear signal by backing off, you have learned something important about his intentions – more than you would have by simply ignoring him.

The most common forms of self-sabotage in creating the assertive effect you desire is to avert your eyes and/or smile. You might actually want to practice NOT SMILING, since so many of us do it so automatically.

A hint for a big height difference: If someone is taller than you and is causing you to crane your neck backwards, take a step or two back to lessen the angle.

I don’t know about y’all, but I’m guilty of the eye aversion / smiling thing sometimes. Not always, but I’ve also experienced the death-don’t-fuck-with-me glare garner unwelcome feedback like, “Why are you so sad/mad? Cheer up!” “Bitch!” “Bitch, you have a bad attitude!” “Fuck you, then.” “What the fuck are you looking at me like that for?” etc. I usually end up smiling briefly at homeless men and women I don’t stop to give money to for whatever reason (read: guilt), men I’ve arbitrarily deemed harmless (stupid, stupid, stupid – MUST break that habit) and averting my eyes after I’ve given just enough stare of death, have begun to feel creepy myself and don’t want to (ding! ding! ding!) send the wrong message.

Jesus. I need practice!

I think the part that I bolded/underlined is really, really valuable, though. No matter what, if someone you don’t know doesn’t instantly just give up / back off / go away, they probably deserve to be kicked hard in the nuts and not just a glare of death, yo.

*Oops. Short-sleeved knit sweater  by Pop!

Confession: Instead of confessing whatever silly thing I was going to, I have decided (in belated honor of International Women’s Day) to post some information on defending ourselves. First, I’ll post “Every Woman’s BILL OF RIGHTS,” from The New Assertive Woman by Bloom, Coburn & Pearlman:

1. The right to be treated with respect.
   
2. The right to have and express your own feelings and opinions.
   
3. The right to be listened to and taken seriously.
   
4. The right to set your own priorities.
   
5. The right to say “no” without feeling guilty.
   
6. The right to ask for what you want.
7. The right to get what you pay for.
   
8. The right to ask for information from professionals.
9. The right to make mistakes.
   
10. The right to choose not to assert yourself.

The following section is from a handout on Boundary Setting: Assertive Verbal Response from a local self-defense organization, Impact Bay Area. I thought this was important because it’s the kind of thing that happens to lots of us on a frequent, consistent basis. If you take public transportation or just like being out and about on your own, these are situations I think we’re all very familiar with. The handout provides some tools for dealing with them effectively:

“When setting verbal boundaries, it is safest to be as direct and assertive as possible. While it is not important to worry about being polite, it is important to consider how someone might respond to a boundary we set. Of course, we can never control the way a person will respond or react, but the way in which we set our boundaries can influence the progression of a confrontation. Our response can de-escalate or escalate the situation. A passive response can escalate a situation as much as an aggressive one; in either case we have not stated our own feelings and have left the door open for our statements to be misinterpreted. An assertive response communicates that our feelings are not open for negotiation.

Below are possible responses to unwelcome behavior. Consider what the response might be in each situation.”

IMPORTANT REMINDERS:

• DON’T get caught in the other person’s agenda; if he has a problem it is NOT your job to fix it and it is NOT your responsibility to help him. Trust your instincts about people.
• DON’T get into answering questions you don’t want to answer or having a conversation you don’t want to have.
• REPEAT yourself if necessary. This is an easy way to reaffirm your boundary if someone pushes it.

PRACTICE SAYING THESE STATEMENTS ASSERTIVELY:

• Don’t do that.
• Go away.
  
• Leave me alone.
• I’m not friendly.
• I mean it.
• Stop.
• Back off.
  
• I have nothing more to say.
• Stop touching me NOW.

That’s all for now, but I do hope to continue the theme until y’all say when. I also want to note that these tools and methods apply to women as well; it’s far rarer than the reverse, but women commit acts of violence against women, too.

Be safe and informed, kittens, and make sure your daughters are, too.