Of all the things called out to me by common street vermin whilst enjoying my daily commute via public transit, alone, I might add, these are never among them:

• You fucking dyke (!!!)
• Stupid lesbian bitch
• Burn in hell

However, it’s possible that something in my fancy new haircut just screams THE GAY, because today all of these were screamed at me when I snapped “F U C K  O F F” politely thwarted somebody’s advances to “massage me” on my way home today. I was thrilled! Well, aside from the fact that he chased me around the block to scream these things at me, I was thrilled! Me?! A dyke?! A fucking dyke, no less! Why, sir, thank you for noticing! Indeed, thank you kindly. Except, you know, really, just shove off.

Lest one of my self-defense comrades read this and sulk with disapproval, I fell into step with two older women pushing a stroller, and made a mental note that the baby store was closed and I’d have to either hop a fence into the school or run across the street into a boutique for safety’s sake, if necessary (ooh, shopping).

I came home extremely giddy about the homophobic remarks, also about the massive beer stein I brought home from an epic Oktoberfest party at work, and while that sounds ridiculous if not self-hating, let me remind you of one small thing:

I AM FEMME.

This was a first! I excitedly told the tomboy all about it. She teased me about while she took these photos. Did you get called a lesbian bitch today? Giggle. Did someone say you’re a fucking dyke? Ooh! Me! I did, I did!

You can tell because I’m cracking up down there.

Black Pant: Silence & Noise
Black Top with gold knotted chain detail: Banana Republic
Black Boots: Dolce Vita for Target
Crossbody Satchel: Relic
Navy Vest: H&M
Hair: Elevation Salon (Paul)

Anyway, the REAL burning question is: Doesn’t this bike look just my size?

Scent: In keeping with today’s sartorial theme, I chose Heeley’s Cardinal for review. Look for notes of incense, cistus, grey amber, patchouli and vetiver. It does loom rather ominously both out of the decant and upon first application, and perhaps it’s because I’ve not spent much time in cathedrals thick with incense, but this is definitely less gothic and more…well, it’s sharp and like hearing the soprano-only section of what is obviously a richly tectured choral arrangement. It seems like folks enjoy this layered with other types of fragrances, but I’m having a little bit of difficulty imaging something that deserves to be punished by this. Sorry, Heeley! FAIL!

M simply says this smells “musty.”

Confession: I confess that I would like to share more self-defense tips with you. I am also very pleased to announce that I am taking the 3 hr. mini self-defense session next month. I can’t wait! Keep in mind these are techniques that are taught in the classes, but after my friend took the 3-day course, some of the good-to-know tips she shared that ANYONE can do without much training can be found below. Practice ‘em, cowgirls!

• ELBOW STRIKE: The assailant is behind your right shoulder. Reach forward with your right hand, then step back with your right foot, bringing your elbow up and striking the face or throat. Always keep your striking arm close  to your body, look at your target by turning your head only, as the strike follows through your whole body turns and you end up facing your assailant, ready for the next move. Practice on the left side also.
• EYE STRIKE: Keeping your thumb and fingers tightly together and your elbows in close to your body. The strike is quick and sharp, with the hands coming back immediately.
  
• HEEL PALM: (Stance) Feet shoulder width apart, dominant foot back, toes facing forward, knees bent, hands up, elbows in. Striking hand (dominant) stays in the center of your body and the strike comes straight from there, a quick upward movement to the assailant’s nose, coming back to ready position. Strike using the heel of the hand, fingers pulled back.
• KNEE TO GROIN: A classic. (M often wonders why women don’t knee men in the groin more often. Like, ALWAYS. She’s right. Motherfuckers deserve it, more often than not from what I hear from some of y’all, and God’s honest truth is I’d probably say that more if I were straight, so you can just take your goddamn man-hating dyke stereotypes and shove ‘em right up your ass!) Anyway, on to the knee-to-groin move: Striking leg back, hands up in protective position (elbows in, hands up, palms out). Using the top of the thigh, just a little above the knee to strike the testicles, bring the back leg up sharply and step through the target. You can also do this to the head of the assailant, with even greater stepping-through motion.