fitforafemme.com

CONFESSION: I know the rainbow heart print is a bit twee, but the button-up backline sold me on this dress. It’s a fairly well-made H&M number that I scored at a local thrift store for $5. It’s sweet and comfortable, and I love that it can be belted or not, paired with sky high heels and a skinny, studded, layered belt to punk it up a bit. Or not. (In fact, I’ve got a pair of killer moto-chic heels headed my way that I can’t wait to pair with this dress.)

SCENT: ARE WE READY FOR THE LAST OF THE LAST? I can’t say how pleased I am to be done with this sad, trashy collection of Victoria’s Secret fragrances, I honestly can’t. A friend of mine tweeted today about the arduous task of finishing a book she disliked. She started reading it in March. I think she read a bit of it each day. That’s torture. It’s exactly how I feel about this little scent experiment. Thank heavens it’s over with and I can now return to reviewing sniffs worth their salt.

Victoria’s Secret Very Sexy: I spritzed a bit on, turned to M and said, “Sweet, sharp floral…” and she added “…with citrus!” and sure enough, it’s described as a “sultry blend of sensual vanilla orchid, sparkling clementine and juicy blackberry.” It still smells like shitty potpourri and continues to on the drydown. I fail to comprehend why all of their scents are pitched as hyper sexy, alluring, come-fuck-me irresistible when they couldn’t be further from it. It’s so bad I can scarcely take satisfaction in the fact that I was right – and I love being right – the quality and caliber of their fragrances parallel the quality and caliber of their lingerie. I was open to being proven wrong or humbled, alas.

In summary, it’s all very black and white, kids. Like so:

PS. ZOMG, someone hold me back before I ruin everything I’ve been working toward and DYE MY HAIR these 84,000 colors:

CONFESSION: I love this dress so. It’s easy and comfortable, but pretty. It looks better without the white tights (points to anyone who gets the lyrical reference), and I’ll post it that way someday but it is COLD here, so tights you are. (Get it? Tights you are! Right you are! Ha!) My little kitty friend came to take pictures with me, she’s very affectionate; she’ll jump up and paw at me like a puppy might. It’s adorable. I love her!

SCENT: Let’s not dilly-dally, I’ve got a different Victoria’s Secret perfume on either arm just waiting to be scrubbed off, ach so:

God, just look at that packaging. Cue involuntary sneer! OK, OK. Super Model out of the vial makes me think of soft vanilla and citrus, orange, actually, like a creamsicle. (M’s favorite!) It’s terrible. She likes it, which concerns me, but she is sick after all. On the drydown, it becomes something like stale, matted cotton candy.

Dream Angels Heavenly (America’s No. 1 fragrance, according to the VS website) shows some promise right away – quince, cardamom, white peony – but fades into boring, stuffy mediocrity. I will definitely have to hold this up against Dream Angels Desire to compare the two.

Y’all? I only have one more of these crap vials to test and report, and the epic experiment is final. To celebrate this, I have a very special fragrance post in the works. All I can say is that it involves intimate peeks into the cologne closets of two roguish tomboys, and you will want to go to there. Just in time for the holidays, too! I can’t wait, and I bet neither can you. Until then, kittens!

XOXO,

SBJ

PS. This chair had a cold puddle. I sat in it. Bugger.

CONFESSION: I love this blouse for so many reasons.

• I got it for, like, $3 at the thrift store
• The awesome pattern on the back
• The tiny, tiny, too many buttons in front
• Pintucks!

The serious little jacket was also a thrift store find on the cheap, hurrah. Also, I feel weird calling this a jacket, because HI it barely has sleeves, but all my research (OK, five minutes on bluefly.com) says it’s a jacket, but I maintain that it’s WEIRD. Today is a kind of sad and disappointing day, but I recommend taking heart in the data documented in this chart or by heading over to my new blog-friend’s blog, Can I Help You, Sir?, for an interesting discussion on femme invisibility.

Want sniffs? Keep scrolling down for another batch of the unending insipid Victoria’s Secret perfume reviews!

SCENTS: With what seems to be the most complex arrangement of notes from Victoria’s Secret thus far, Pink is still a disappointment. You’re shocked, I know. With bergamot, artemesia and violet leaves listed as top notes, and base notes of vetiver and musk, you’d think it’d be kind of lovely. Truth: It’s very pedestrian and I’m getting a lot of the mandarin top note upon first application. It dries down to a tepid, less obnoxious version of itself, but it still pretty skanky, insecure cheerleader.

Dream Angels Desire, you at least smell like your bottle looks. Soft, violet blue and almost stately. There’s something respectable about this one, probably in the austere top notes: white star magnolia, living white freesia, ivy leaves. It’s almost too bad everything lovely about it all but disappears on the drydown, the rest just kind of hovers like a powdery ghost. I bet VS wishes Serena’s mom wore this (from Gossip Girl, guys, come on, get on board). I will set this one aside just in case it has a rival in the rest of the yet-t0-be reviewed bunch, so they can FACE-OFF when this miserable experiment is over and done with.

PS. A treat, if you’d like one:

CONFESSION: Impromptu FFAF photo shoots are the best. We were on our way to BART to catch Where The Wild Things Are downtown, when we passed this relatively empty laundromat. It was so much fun, right down to jumping into one of the carts, playing shooter games and the old-timey Soap Stop (below). I realize the key missing component is the fact that we were just passing through, not doing any actual laundry (which I abhor), but still. SUPERFUN.

I cried and cried and cried through not only the trailers (that Sandra Bullock one and the Baby(ies) documentary – have you seen or heard of it? – it’s about the first year of life for four babies being raised in four very different corners of the world; San Francisco, Mongolia, Nambia and Japan), but through a bunch of the scenes in the movie as well. It was so great. I loved it. Max was fantastic.

SCENT: I really want this Victoria’s Secret experiment to be over and done with. You know, just the other day I was recalling my past refusal to walk away from something until I was absolutely convinced I had exhausted every available option (and unavailable, for that matter) and how absurd, unnecessary and masochistic it was, and this experiment is giving me the nagging s(c)en(t)sation that old habits die hard. So, it’s much too late to undo today’s torture, but I cannot promise completion at this juncture, folks.

Without further ado, I give you Dream Angels Divine and Very Sexy Hot. The former is awful and harsh. If powder settled into crepe-y skin could be bottled and made into a WMD, Divine is it. Vile. VS Hot comes out with a few intriguing top notes – marigold, freesia, berry (note again the lack of specificity regarding type)- but never softens into something softer and more complex, it just stays sharp and not in a good way.

CONFESSION: Last night, I tried on two of those POS wanker Victoria’s Secret fragrances I got forever ago, with a pair of super soft, sexy pajamas (free slippers with purchase!). One was so gross and cloyingly sweet that M described it as “someone trying to layer on perfume over dirty ass” and I simply referred to it as a whore’s bath perfume. Seriously. I refuse to even bequeath it to anyone since it screams CRUSTY SLUT + EXCESS BRONZER. It’s called Ooh La La, but is more like Oh, Hell Nah. I really hope none of you like it, because I’m not going to feel bad and I’m not going to take it back, either! (Damn it, I just realized that I reviewed OLL in late December of last year, in Shovels & Lye. At least I’m consistent!?)

The Fragrance was No. 2, boasts top notes of crushed leaves, freesia, mandarin (What the fuck kind of leaves? Isn’t that sort of key?) and does begin rather citrus-y and benign. I had to give it another go-round today because Ooh La La sent my senses into a diabetic coma, but it doesn’t seem to change my opinion of it as a rather boring and one-hit wonder scent. Not even a good hit, either. Something Milli Vanilli-ish. (If I spelled that wrong, it’s b/c I refuse to google it for the proper spelling. Fakers don’t get my hits! I have standards.) It’s not offensive, just boring. Very un-sexy. For instance, Laura Bush should totally check this out. It’s perfect for her.

From the Dream Angels collection comes Wish, which is TOTALLY FUCKING AWESOME if you want to smell like orange sherbet ice cream and baby powder, and reminds me of back in the day when my folks would take us to Baskin Robbins on special occasions, and someone would be like, “Oh, you should have some water,” and I’d be all, “The fuck for? I drink my water in Kool-Aid, man. Step off, my peanut-butter-and-chocolate ice cream cone is melting.” Or, you know, changing diapers. Also, it irks me that something so vile has to share the same word with a stellar The Cure album, but what are you gonna do?

Someone at the VS fragrance think tank needs to ground themselves from citrus for, like, a year, and then get back to me.

PS. Ain’t much to say about this outfit ‘cept there’s a mean cold snap this week and mama needs to go SHOPPING. I do, however, have a new brown sheath dress that is super Joan Holloway and was recently procured at the thrift store for FIDDY MOFO CENTS, YO. Holla / Coming Soon.

PPS. What the hell is up with the Christian Siriano for VS make-up collection? When the cover model on the website looks kind of rough in all your war paint, dude, you need to step up your game. Do any of y’all have it? Is it good? Not that I’m in the market…my quick beauty fix lately has been a dusting of Cargo bronzer as a wash over the entire lid, with heavy-handed mascara at the lash base instead of eyeliner. Fresno and Coral Beach are my favorites right now, but it seems the former is discontinued. SOB.

PPSS. Lips? Besame’s Red Velvet. Creamy and subtle red for when MAC’s Russian Red is too much damn work.

When: Wednesday, February 18th, 2009.

What: Corduroy pants from Victoria’s Secret, mystery sheer black camisole and striped Italian cardigan, thrifted. Vintage scarf, western-y leather bag by Betsey Johnson and boots by Lamica. Beaded glass necklace from Spoiled.

Scent: Guerlain Angelique Noire. Interestingly enough, it smells similar in some ways to the scotch I review below. The vanilla, I think. It’s got bergamot, angelica and vanilla, goes on as sticky sweet as cotton candy melting on the tongue or warm summer skin, settles into something slightly more creamy and a little bit green, with the slightest shimmer of a bouquet of mulled wine spices. It’s a bit much for everyday wear, not quite enough for evening, so I’d probably wait for the perfect outfit and almost-too-warm spring day for this!

Confession: So absurdly busy with new job, but it’s fantastic and top secret. M is opening our newest bottle of scotch, a Macallan 12-Year, with “hints of sweet cream and vanilla due to aging in used sherry casks from Spain.” It definitely smells sweeter. Not like Sharpie. I’ll have a little taste when I’m feeling brave.

OK, I’m brave now. That was delicious. It was less smooth than the Lagavulin, a great deal less smoky or sooty, yet with somehow more bite along with the sweetness. It burns when you sip it, but it’s so sweet at the same time. I imagine it’s the sherry casks? I don’t care. It’s delicious. I want more. It makes me feel all warm inside. Mm.

SCOTCH! We’re friends again. Hi.

When: Mon., Dec. 22nd, 2008.

What: Skinny pants from Laundry by Shelli Segal, sheer blouse by Guess, vintage leather jacket by Wilson’s. Beret from H&M and boots by Restricted.

Scent: Victoria’s Secret Sexy Little Things & Very Sexy Dare. I really can’t stand any of the scents that came in this coffret, I really can’t. It’s almost painful just to test them, y’all. Let’s start with Dare. It’s citrus-y. It doesn’t last long, so the fact that it succumbs to the middle and lower notes on the dry down is moot. It gets chocolate-y for a second, too. Top notes: bergamot, blood orange, pineapple juice, tamarind nectar, hazelnut leaf. So, basically, VS is daring me to what? Not get a migraine with their perfume on?

Sexy Little Things and/or Ooh La La is more like choke, choke, cough. Seriously. You know how some people come on really strong and then when you don’t retreat or back down, they suddenly wuss out or start backing away whimpering, tail between their legs? That’s what these both are. It’s very unfortunate.

Confession: I love this leather jacket. I’ve had it for years. It’s tiny and very tight. I love that the sides cinch with little leather tabs that slide through silver buckles, and that the pockets are just tiny slits, and the zippers at each snug wrist.

I love that it’s got green paint on the shoulder that won’t come off, from the time M & I helped a friend paint her foyer. I love that it’s never been washed and I abuse it constantly – throwing it everywhere, rubbing it up against concrete pillars, tossing it on the filthy ground so I can sit on it, shoving it into small, dark spaces instead of actually hanging it up – it’s like the more disgusting it gets, the more I love it.

It’s definitely SBJ-proof. I’ll cry if it ever gets lost.